Episode 11: Voices- Suicide talk and Solutions

Episode 11: Voices

“It’d be easier to die than to feel this way.” Grant slumped in Dr. Jill’s office and continued to gnaw his fingertips. He’d been working on his left thumb for over 13 minutes, and it finally sprouted blood in the corner. It didn’t hurt. He watched the redness bubble and pool until a singular drop fell to his stained gown; Grant hadn’t showered or changed since his last destructive episode. He sucked the blood from his thumb, and waited for Jill to give him the answer he desperately wanted to hear.

“Grant, death isn’t an option here.”

She didn’t say what he wanted.

“It’s always an option, Doc. You want me to tell you how I’d do it? I have at least six ways, and most are rather entertaining. It’d be a fun show. A few other characters would be involved. I mean, I’d want to go out remembered, at least talked about for a few weeks.” Voice glowing with cynicism, this was the most uplifting tone she’d heard from him in days. His eyes darted frenetically. His desperate depression usually hung thickly in the office and choked his words to silence.

She didn’t like him sounding maniacal about death.

“Grant, you feel powerless. I got it. You don’t get to make any decisions. We tell you when to eat and sleep and take meds and walk outside and come to group. The voices tell you when and how to do everything else. I threw myself unwisely into the mix, and you have no control over me. You have no control. You’re a shell.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t really make me feel better, Doc.”

You’re going to need her to escape. Watch the spider.

Grant’s eyes glazed; he watched an unusually large spider descend from the corner of the office ceiling landing on Dr. Jill’s desk. It scuttered over the white papers and tucked into her filing drawer; there would be no dinner in that drawer. Why would the voices want him to watch the spider? What could it mean?

Ask her about spiders.

“How do you feel about spiders?”

“What? I hate them. I’m desperately afraid of those creepy things. I think I’m allergic to some even. I had an incident when I was 6. Found a nest of them in the woods behind my house. Rushed to the hospital. Almost died.” She absentmindedly scratched her head and hair and behind her left ear.

You’re going to start collecting spiders. Get Jenkins on this task. He’ll help you. Tell no one.

Grant had a sick idea of there this might be going.

Yes Grant, you’re going to poison the Doc, and then save her. You’ve lost her trust and need to get it back. You can’t escape without her, and she won’t let you go until she thinks you’re stable.

And fucking knock off all this suicide talk.

The voices changed mid-message. They never did that. Things were changing and becoming more frightening. First the Voices touched him physically, knocking the wind out of him, now there were speaking as a unified whole with the same message. He didn’t like these new events. He didn’t want to hurt the Doc.

You’re going to SAVE her. You’re going to save Sally. We’re going to save you.